John Lowe, P.C. » Humor of the Week

Doctors vs. Gun Owners

admin — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 00:56:45 +0000

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is
700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is
80,000,000. (Yes, that’s 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is
1,500.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, ‘Guns don’t kill people, doctors do.’

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST
EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely
out of hand!

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the
statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention!

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A NEW YORKER

admin — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 00:31:15 +0000

The first man married a woman from North Carolina. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from South Carolina. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from New York. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Our Yearly Dementia Test

admin — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 23:37:02 +0000

It’s that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older,
it’s important to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memorycompares to the last test.
Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take the test presented here to determine if you’re losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: ‘bread.’ If you said ‘toast’ give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2.Say ‘silk’ five times. Now spell ‘silk.’ What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said ‘milk,’ don’t attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said ‘water’, proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks,
what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.If you said ‘green bricks,’
why are you still reading these???
If you said ‘glass,’ go on to Question 4.

4.It’s twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany
(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into
West Germany and East Germany ).Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail.
The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing,
decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so
and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of ‘no man’s land’
between East Germany and West Germany …
Where would you bury the survivors?
East Germany, West Germany , Or no man’s land’?

Answer: You don’t bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you’re a dunce and you must stop.
If you said, ‘You don’t bury survivors’, proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator- You are driving a bus from London to MilfordHaven in Wales .
In London ,17people get on the bus.
In Reading ,6people get off the bus and9people get on.
In Swindon ,2people get off and4get on.
In Cardiff ,11people get off and16people get on.
In Swansea ,3people get off and5people get on.
In Carmathen,6people get off and3get on.
You then arrive at MilfordHaven

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don’t you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!

If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Mensa Invitational

admin — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 23:29:52 +0000

Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n . An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Ten years of abstinence!

admin — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 23:22:38 +0000

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship”…

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the
possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet
suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned
Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had
a good cigar?”

”Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left
sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a
lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and
begorrah,” said the castaway, Ahh “that is so good! I’d almost forgotten
how great a smoke can be!”

”And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Ashmill’s Irish
Whiskey?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a
pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.He opened the flask
and took a long drink. “Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman.”
’Tis truly fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front
of her wet suit, right down the middle.

She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since
you played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed…

”Holy cow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

Health and Diet Secrets Revealed!

admin — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 23:20:18 +0000

Advice from Dr. Phat Won

ENJOY LIFE…YOU ONLY LIVE ONCEI love this Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it…don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable) And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain…good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!” AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

If you don’t know GOD, don’t make stupid remarks!!!!!!

admin — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 23:11:10 +0000

A United States Marine was taking some college courses
between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq
and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who
was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “GOD, if you are real, then
I want you to knock me off this platform… I’ll give you exactly 15 min.”
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am GOD, I’m still waiting.”

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;
knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there
looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,
”What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

The Marine calmly replied,
“GOD was too busy today protecting America ‘s
soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid
stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me.”

Double entendres?

admin — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 23:07:35 +0000

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say?

*********************************

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No ‘good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren’t they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

             That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
          Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
          Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
          Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is….

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

Amish Christmas lights.

admin — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 22:47:26 +0000

Scroll down to see the Amish Christmas lights. Just west of Lewisburg , PA on RT 45.

You know very well that the Amish don’t use electricity.
Now get back to work!

These really work!

admin — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 22:17:17 +0000

THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes and it’s for real!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 OIL AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.